


Dark Past

by SociallyAwkwardFox (Maze_Runner_Fae)



Series: Victuuri Week 2017 [3]
Category: Yuri!!! on Ice (Anime)
Genre: Anxiety, Bullying, Character Study, Doubt, Escape, Loneliness, Love, M/M, No Dialogue
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-02-09
Updated: 2017-02-09
Packaged: 2018-09-23 02:03:48
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,252
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9636035
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Maze_Runner_Fae/pseuds/SociallyAwkwardFox
Summary: A character study of Yuuri from childhood to the point he begins to understand what love is.





	

He hates it-how awkward he is. Solitude comes easier than befriending those around him. It’s difficult to want to, when most of them mock him or ignore him (as if he doesn’t exist). Often times, he feels incredibly small. A speck of dust among skyscrapers. At night, he lies awake dreading the thought of having to face a new day. He doesn’t feel lonely then, only during the day when he’s surrounded by people who don’t care.

Ice skating becomes his way of dealing with the loneliness and discomfort around other people. It’s the perfect mix of spontaneous and repetitive. It’s a perfect escape when everything else gets to be too much for him to keep bottled up. Skating is a release. Somehow, it’s also what brings him together with the two friends he has during his childhood: Yuuko and Takeshi. They’re kind enough to him (though Takeshi occasionally pokes at his flaws), but he still feels an odd chasm between them.

As he grows up, he becomes more engrossed in figure skating-to the point he begins to compete in bigger and bigger competitions. He takes to watches as many competitions as he can and finds himself idolizing the best among the male skaters: Victor Nikiforov. A Russian skater with a habit of shocking the judges with his interesting and flawless performances. Every jump ends with textbook precision and his step sequences are breath-taking. There’s something otherworldly about him and Yuuko often joins in when he speaks of how incredible Victor is.

When Victor buys himself an adorable poodle that he names Makkachin, Yuuri finds himself begging his parents to buy him the exact same breed of dog. On his thirteenth birthday, he’s woken by something light stumbling all over him and falling onto his chest. He opens his eyes to find a pair of large, brown eyes staring curiously at him. A red tongue darts out to lick excitedly at the closest thing it can reach-which happens to be Yuuri’s chest. The dog yips happily after he scratches right behind its ear and wiggles excitedly when he picks it up, so he can speak to his parents. He ends up naming the dog Vicchan and he becomes his closest companion. They run together, play together, sleep together. They’re practically inseparable.

Deciding to go to college in America is difficult. He doesn’t want to leave his family, Vicchan, and his few friends behind, but it’s a good opportunity to further his education and his skating career. One of the few skaters he actually knows-Phichit Chulanont-helps him make up his mind, by promising to be his roommate and rink mate. Packing is hard, saying goodbyes harder, and boarding the plane nearly impossible, but he manages to do it all without crying until the plane’s taken off. Among all the other passengers, he feels completely alone and tries not to think about everything he left behind.

The first few months are incredibly difficult. He spends most of his time either in class, studying, or practicing. A few times, he finds himself doing something he hasn’t since he and Yuuko were still children. On the nights he has the rink to himself, he watches videos of Victor’s past performances and spends hours copying them over and over again. He loses himself in the familiar movements and lets his mind empty of all the thoughts that wouldn’t leave him alone. Those are the nights he can sleep without tossing and turning for hours before sleep finally comes to him. His body aches fiercely and he’s utterly exhausted, to the point insomnia can’t even keep him from a good night’s rest.

His last year of college he makes it to the Grand Prix Final and he’s beyond nervous to be competing on the same stage as Victor Nikiforov. It feels simultaneously a dream come true and his worst nightmare come to life. Anxiety rears its monstrous head and twists his intestines into knots so complicated, there’s no way they’ll come untied. On the inside he’s a mess, but he tries his best not to make a complete fool out of himself. His short program goes well enough and he’s gained a minuscule amount of confidence going into the free skate. It’s a call from his sister that changes everything. It leaves him devastated. Devastated to the point he misses all his jumps and ends up in sixth place (well below the skater in fifth). The devastation continues to the next competition and the next, until he’s done so poorly he can’t compete in the next. He hides in Detroit and buries his head in schoolwork.

Going back to Japan brings a combination of relief and uncertainty. After such a calamitous previous season, he’s not sure whether he wants to skate for another season or not. All the joy and peace skating used to bring him, has evaporated and he’s questioning if there’s really a point to him continuing. And yet, he still finds himself running to the Ice Castle when his welcome back becomes too much for him to handle. It’s nice to see Yuuko after being apart for so long and it feels right to show her the only thing he’s been able to find solace in recently.

When it ends up on the internet, he’s absolutely mortified. It’s humiliating and embarrassing and terrifying. His phone is blown up with text messages and missed calls and the only thing he can think to do is turn off his phone and hide away from the situation. Not Phichit or Minako or his parents can say anything that’ll make him feel better. Now, he’s sure he won’t be able to go back to figure skating. He’ll be a laughingstock.

Suffice it to say, he’s shocked to hear Victor Nikiforov has come all the way to Hasetsu to be his coach for the coming season. It made no sense to him-and even less when Yuri Plisetsky showed up-but he does whatever Victor tells him to. When Victor decides to pit them against each other in a competition to see which one of them he’ll coach, he’s sure that he’ll be the one left behind at the end of it all. The idea he’ll be able to pull off Victor’s Eros routine is laughable and he struggles with finding a connection to the performance. There’s nothing remotely sexual about him. Nothing that makes him fit to perform it.

Desperation. That’s what leads him to Minako’s door the night before the competition is set to be held. A shot in the dark that would be his last hope in keeping Victor around to be his coach in what would be his last year of figure skating. By the time his turn comes around, he’s exhausted from practicing all night and blanks out for most of the performance. Relief rushes through him when he’s announced the winner of the event and it gets him thinking.

It’s love that drives him, even if he’s never realized it until now. His family and friends always pushed him and supported him and believed in him. Even when he thought he was alone, the simple truth was: he never was. He’s still uncertain what the future holds. There’s a real possibility that he won’t do any better this season than the last, but something about Victor’s unyielding faith in him makes him want to try. He doesn’t deserve it. He’s done nothing to earn it, but he doesn’t want to squander it. He wants to try.

**Author's Note:**

> Hope you all enjoyed! Tomorrow's fic should be up around the same time.


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